Melih's Thoughts

Why is it so difficult to hear when it’s so easy to listen?

Yes, it seems like a very technical question mired in definitions and understanding, but I’m increasingly discovering that one of the hardest skill to develop in oneself is the ability to hear what others say. You see, we’ve become experts at listening to each other. If listening were an Olympic sport, then my 5-second response technique* would be gold medal worthy. But we don’t learn how to hear each other.

The distinction between the two is all about what one brings to the conversation. Everyone brings their opinion, their goals, their desired outcome. When we listen to each other, we put what we have brought to the conversation right in the thick of it all. With all of our own baggage in the conversation, there’s no way that the other person’s opinions, goals or outcomes has any chance of making an impression upon us. However, when we bring our own baggage, but leave it off to the side, then we start to hear each other. We can more clearly see the value that the opposite party brings to the conversation, and I’ve found that it makes conversations shorter, sweeter and much more productive.

So the solution is simple then, right? We just check our baggage at the door, and come into all conversations with an open mind. It turns, as is always the case, that it’s not that easy. There are folks who refuse to have a conversation without bringing to the front and center all of the baggage which they brought with them. I don’t think they consciously refuse to be open-minded, but they do consciously refuse to be swayed or to really hear what the other side has to say. I haven’t quite figured out where the line is between being open-minded and refusing to hear what the other side is saying, but I do think that both can co-exist. As an example, I don’t blame an Orthodox Jew for differing with me on topics like the Middle East Peace Process, but I do fundamentally believe that he can respect and listen to my opinion. That said, he won’t do me the courtesy of leaving his foundation and standing on mine.

All of this is coming from being a fly on the wall while a lot of different things happen around me. I constantly find the need from individuals to have others see things as they do, and be as they would be. I can now catch myself doing it as I do it, whereas before I was completely oblivious to it all. For me the advantage of having a baggage free conversation is that we get to learn and teach. We get to really make each better because we’re forced to really understand the opposite party’s perspective. I think when we stop to hear each other, we come out of the conversation as better people.

Too bad we spend so much time listening then…

* 5-second response technique is the practice of giving a neutral answer every 5 or so seconds to seem as if one is engaged in the conversation. I perfected it in high school while listening to girlfriends speak. These days, my good friend Saar Conradi is the one who constantly catches me doing it. It’s sadly become second nature

Long title. I know. I just couldn’t find a better title. I’ve been thinking a lot about the dynamics of the last few soccer teams with which I’ve played. From full-time recreational teams to much more competitive teams, I’ve really started to notice a trend, and it’s really fascinating. I’m sure if I really thought about it, I would see similar trends at the Box as well, but I’ll leave that as an exercise for another day.

The really unique thing about soccer that isn’t true in basketball is the need for a general consensus on how the game should be played. I’m picking on basketball because both sports have a strong playground, pick-up culture. Watch a pick-up basketball game though, and you’ll generally see a few studs, and then a bunch of pretty good players. The studs dominate the action. For a full 11 on 11 soccer match, I’ve never really found the same dynamic though. It could be that I’ve just never been around stud pick-up soccer players, but more often than not with that many moving pieces on the field, there needs to be much more cohesion, and a much better general understanding of how the game is played.

And yet, I spent a full season this past fall and spring with a team that had a really tough time doing even the basics right. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why things were as bad as they were. There was some low hanging fruit. No subs for a bunch of games. A lack of general fitness. An ever changing set of players on the field. But really, I think, it comes down to the fact that we didn’t agree as a unit on what the basics of the game were.

So I started to think about what it takes to get everyone on the same page. I think first, and foremost, it’s a must that there be a strong leader who dictates direction. If there’s no single voice driving towards a common goal, then there really isn’t a chance for success. We had that strong voice, but I don’t think that there was a team-wide respect for that voice. I’m not sure how to resolve that issue. That’s much more of an interpersonal issue. At a company, the resolution to that problem is hire slow, fire fast. Not so sure what it is on a soccer team where you can only get 10 people to show up for a game.

Given a strong voice, what’s the next step. My summer soccer team provided some insights to that question. The next important step is a willingness to adapt one’s own style to one that fits in with achieving the team’s goal. I don’t think this comes naturally to people, nor do I think that this is very easy. I’m convinced that one can be doing exactly what they think is right for the team’s goal, but in fact they are actively working against it.

This is where I think listening and giving feedback are so critical. And I think both aspects of this final step are the hardest bits for people. We neither like giving direct feedback nor do we like receiving direct criticism. And yet, it’s the quickest way to get where we’re all trying to go. This weekend, I kept asking for the wingers to be more conservative on the weak side to help with defensive counter attacks, and yet we consistently didn’t have the weak side defender we needed. Was the thing to do to directly say, “Person A, you need to be more conservative in the attack”? Now that I think about it, the answer to that question is clearly yes. Not doing that meant that the whole team fell short of achieving its team goal.

I’m going to step up at the next match and make sure that I push others to push themselves to be better, but to also push me to be better. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’ve talked a bunch the last few blog posts about being better at achieving success. This whole notion of being more successful has really spawned in me an effort to understand what it means for me personally to succeed, and to try and decipher what I need to do differently to make it happen.

I’ll go ahead and answer both questions here, and then work towards gluing together a system that I hope will be one that I can repeatedly go back to when I want to succeed against a challenge.

Let it never be said that being the son of Raif nor Nur is easy. It’s tough enough being their son, but then being the first-born has its own set of challenges as well. This isn’t a rant about my parents, but instead a more matter of fact statement that good enough never was for them. And so, in that monkey see, monkey do style that all children seem to fall into, it was never good enough for me either.

That said, success for me has become that satisfying feeling of going from vision to execution in such a way that you surprise even yourself. It’s rare, and if you ask me that’s the way it needs to be. You should accomplish most of the tasks you set out to do, but you shouldn’t necessarily come out of them having succeeded. I guess that’s where I differ from the norm.

The tough bit is quantitatively being able to understand that surprise factor. It isn’t something one can measure or plan for. It almost has to serendipitously arrive as your journey ends. This is why I think success is so difficult to achieve. Not only do you have to consciously do everything to the best of your ability, but you’ve got to get a little bit lucky too.

And so coming to that realization made me ask myself if there’s anything that I can do to make the chance that I get lucky a little bit better.

As a compulsive gambler, I’m always looking for that little something extra. Step one, in my opinion, is asking does playing the “Don’t Pass” line on a slow roller give me enough cash to catch the next streak? The philosophy there is simply stay low, and do what you can to survive until you can really make a push for it when you think lady luck has made her way back into your sights. It’s painful because you’re betting against the popular choice. It’s frustrating because you only win if others lose, and often they lose big. But it can also be rewarding when you find yourself able to take advantage of the tables turning because of your patience and willing to go against the current.

I’m not sure how that translates into organization, measured progress, visible results and the like, but as a mantra I really like it. Bet the “Don’t Pass” long enough to be there for the hot streak that’s coming.

I think that one thing that I do very poorly is succeed. Succeed in the sense that I dream it, I build it, and execute it successfully. This idea goes much deeper than the lunch table “state school” jokes. Instead, it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately.

As an example, I went to a soccer tryout today. I think I did really well. I played smart; I wasn’t in as great a shape as I would like, but I was fit; and I think that I showed my strengths. My goal for the last year or so has been to get into good enough shape to be a contributor for a team at a higher division than the one in which I’ve been playing. I think that tonight I pulled that off, but it’s really the first time in a long time where I’ve had that sense of really accomplishing something long term. I played soccer my whole life, and I never felt as if I made a team on which there was competition for my position. Doing well tonight was a big mental milestone to overcome. Nothing is set in stone yet, but regardless of the end result, I really feel like I came out of the experience better. If not because I made the team, then because I’m in a much better state of mind about my health and form.

I’m not sure where the inability to, or general lack in confidence in my ability to, succeed comes from. It may be the last bits of looking back over the last five years, and trying to figure out where I got better and at what.When I look back now, it’s such a blur that I really don’t know how to consume it all. I have one particular program I wrote that I’m still in love with to this day. I had 2 internships that I absolutely loved. I have a group of friends who have stayed with me through thick and thin. Those are all good things, but it’s hard to label them as successes as I see success now.

All of that said, I definitely find myself tackling the issue head on. I’ve got the 10 resolutions for 2010, which are so far going quite well. I’ve got 2 or 3 projects at work against which I track daily progress against a larger goal. One is nearly finished. A second is dreadfully far behind, while a third is just getting started. This idea of doing things in a public eye as a form of public pressure to commit and delivery has been good for me. As an example, I gave up soda today to make sure that I reach my 25 lbs. lost by June 1st deadline. Both the deadline itself, and this new goal, are really tough challenges where I’d really like to succeed, and placing them out for public consumption makes it easier for me.

Nonetheless, I’m still interested in why I have to be so strong handed about this. I guess in my gut I know that everyone works hard for success, but every now and then I convince myself that it just comes easier for others. It’s pretty late, and this feels really incomplete, but I think I’m going to publish it anyway. I think the underlying issue I’m facing here is finding the balance between my personal bar for success, my desire to never disappoint people and the reality that both of the previous items are both probably unattainable.

Won’t stop me from trying though.

It’s been a really tough week for me. I feel as if I laid myself on the line on a couple of different matters, and got burnt pretty badly as a result. I don’t handle those situations very well. Maybe it’s because I wear my heart on my sleeve to too much of an extent. A lot of it is because I saw how my father operated. It was always personal even if it was business, and that’s how I feel I approach life as well. Some of us learn from our parents mistakes, while most of us are doomed to repeat them.

And so as I was laying in bed before starting my day today, I got to thinking about how to change something without losing myself. I don’t want to lose my passion, but I need to channel my energy better when I feel as if I’ve been cut down. In my mind I realized the biggest problem that I face is that I constantly mourn the inability to succeed in the given situation which leaves me in a funk. I just don’t accept the mantra that you can’t win them all because I think I can.

My mind really started to wander, and I got to looking out through our new curtains. I could see the day starting; hear the sounds of the construction crews working outside at the Mint. The sun was fighting through what was left of a cloudy cover. And I really saw the dawn of a new day for the first time in a long, long time. I felt a real joy in being embraced by the sun as it reached out over the City. And I realized that what I need to change about my life is to quit worrying about the mourning, and start focusing on the dawn.

What then is the actual change? My challenge to myself, the path that I must walk down to grow as an individual, an engineer, a friend, a brother, a son, is to take on each day a new dawn. It’s a Sisyphian feat for sure in that while everyone else takes on another morning, I’m hoping to experience a new dawn. In the cliche sense, it could be as simple as a new street that I’ve never visited before, or an old challenge that I’ve been avoiding. But in the short term, for me, it’s going to be simply meeting the sun to make a more complete, full day of each day.

In the end of this experiment, I want to understand one simple construct. Why is it that we begin each day with a morning as opposed to a dawning, and how can I improve myself by just switching that simple bit?

Let the fun begin.