In the last few months, I’ve found myself fighting very large battles, and more often than not losing them.<\/p>\n
It’s tough; that’s really the only way to describe it.<\/p>\n
I’ve discovered in this time that it takes an unbelievable amount of personal strength to decide to stand back up when you’ve had your legs kicked out from underneath you, but that it’s almost impossible if you don’t have a hand to help pull you up. It’s some combination of utter humility and sheer will which affords you the strength of the former without shame in the latter.<\/p>\n
I don’t understand yet why it’s so difficult to allow someone to see you in your most fragile and vulnerable state, but there’s a real fear there. This is one hurdle over which I don’t find myself successfully climbing anytime soon.<\/p>\n
I’ve discovered in this time that the reflection you see in the mirror has a tendency to lie to you. When all else fails, you should be able to rely upon your experiences and, knowing that you’ve survived tough times before, you should expect yourself to survive these tough times again. But you just don’t. I’ve found that it has much to do with the inability to fall back on habits which you always relied upon in trying times. When those habits can no longer provide the comfort or safety they once did, one’s habits become constant reminders of what was, what might have been, and what will no longer be.<\/p>\n
This endless mind game turns what would have been a peaceful memory into a constant struggle to escape the very things which defined who you were.<\/p>\n
I’ve discovered in this time that people will constantly find a way to disappoint you in an effort to not disappoint themselves. This is one of the real wonders of the social creature known as man. Inherently I will protect myself because to sacrifice for you is to compromise my identity; my persona; my existence. And yet, the whole point of coming together is to compromise the self for the benefits of the duality we become. To think there won’t be challenges and hardships is foolish, but to imagine that separation is a better state is plainly naive. Nonetheless, we continue to find ways to disappoint and to separate.<\/p>\n
But at the core of it all, regardless of everything else, it’s just plain tough to keep losing.<\/p>\n
Let it not be suggested however that this means that one should stop fighting.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In the last few months, I’ve found myself fighting very large battles, and more often than not losing them. It’s tough; that’s really the only way to describe it. I’ve discovered in this time that it takes an unbelievable amount of personal strength to decide to stand back up when you’ve had your legs kicked […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pQyAq-2a","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1899,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2018\/07\/22\/2018-goals-june-update\/","url_meta":{"origin":134,"position":0},"title":"2018 Goals - June Update","date":"July 22, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"tldr; Losing track, and losing motivation :-( Get to 175 lbs It's worse than May, but realistically that was unsustainable. I'm starting to ask myself whether driving towards a number really matters. Or whether I'm really just looking to sustain a lifestyle, and the number is a barometer of if\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "New Year Resolutions"","img":{"alt_text":"June 2018 weight update","src":"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/img_6159.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":431,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2011\/02\/21\/the-importance-of-not-losing-yourself\/","url_meta":{"origin":134,"position":1},"title":"The importance of not losing yourself","date":"February 21, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"I had a really great three-day weekend. Micky and I did a lot to get the nursery started. The walls are white, with one aqua colored wall. We moved a bunch of stuff in storage with the help of One Big Man, One Big Truck, and moved a couch and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1481,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2015\/02\/17\/what-im-doing-for-lent-2015\/","url_meta":{"origin":134,"position":2},"title":"What I'm doing for Lent 2015","date":"February 17, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Happy Fat Tuesday everyone! This year for Lent I'm going to focus on 2 things: Not yelling at the kids - This has been a bad trend lately... Luka is being a pain in the ass. Amelia is acting like she's six months old at times. And all I want\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":317,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2010\/03\/25\/dawning-instead-of-morning\/","url_meta":{"origin":134,"position":3},"title":"Dawning instead of morning","date":"March 25, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"It's been a really tough week for me. I feel as if I laid myself on the line on a couple of different matters, and got burnt pretty badly as a result. I don't handle those situations very well. Maybe it's because I wear my heart on my sleeve to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":509,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2012\/02\/10\/gosh-i-miss-college-basketball\/","url_meta":{"origin":134,"position":4},"title":"Gosh I miss college basketball","date":"February 10, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Between NC State beating Georgia Tech tonight (which we desperately needed to keep NCAA hopes alive), and the quality of the last 4 minutes of the Duke\/UNC game, I'm reminded how much I miss college basketball. I genuinely believe that it is the purest form of the game. The level\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Sports Stories"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1448,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2014\/11\/18\/2-days-til-30\/","url_meta":{"origin":134,"position":5},"title":"2 days til 30","date":"November 18, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"The bad\u00c2\u00a0moments\/learnings\/thoughts\/regrets of the decade in no particular order: Amelia's surgery Birthday break up Shep leaving San Francisco My family falling apart How hard it is to call people on the East Coast My dependence on always being connected Losing touch with playing soccer more often Losing any semblance of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=134"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=134"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=134"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=134"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}