I wonder if we’re no more than just a sum of our darkest secrets. And, if as we release them into the wild, we cease to be bound by the restrictions of the space and constraints which surround us.<\/p>\n
Is it not the fear that these secrets will be revealed which shame us into becoming who we are? Would we not find a peace and a general calm in the waters if these secrets did not keep us bound to a dream we never wanted to accomplish or a commitment we never wanted to oblige? <\/p>\n
After one year away from home, the lesson which looms largest in my mind is that one will constantly lose, and one will constantly be disappointed, and that the survivors are the ones who can find the silver lining in leaving behind someone who you hoped would finish the journey with you. All I know is that I’m thankful that I’m the kind of person who has a difficult time abandoning people because I can’t imagine how artificial everything must be if you are the opposite.<\/p>\n
All of this comes from trying to make sense of my fourteen months away. I’ve spent the last year in what seems like a constant state of loss. The enumeration, at this point, feels petty and would distract from the greater point. Each loss though has really put in focus the idea that when people leave that it’s usually… the right phrase escapes me. But it would involve an element of fear, an element of shame, and an element of quit. Is there a word that describes such a state? If I spoke German, I’m sure that I would find a way to just glue them all together, but language fails me in this moment. I think the drain on my energy and emotions is that I strive to invest 110% in people. You can’t give that much to anything and not bear the full weight of the result when the result goes against you. It’s a completely crushing, debilitating state of being. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wonder if we’re no more than just a sum of our darkest secrets. And, if as we release them into the wild, we cease to be bound by the restrictions of the space and constraints which surround us. Is it not the fear that these secrets will be revealed which shame us into becoming […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pQyAq-2q","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1478,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2015\/02\/03\/am-i-the-only-one-jordanian-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":150,"position":0},"title":"Am I the only one - Jordanian edition","date":"February 3, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"I remember in high school that my French teacher, and one of the strongest leftist influences in my life, Fabienne took us to a talk at UNC about the death penalty. The person speaking was the son of the Rosenbergs who were executed for spying for the Soviets, and giving\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":563,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2012\/10\/01\/what-happened-to-aboutmydive-com\/","url_meta":{"origin":150,"position":1},"title":"What happened to AboutMyDive.com?","date":"October 1, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"I wanted to do a post-mortem on aboutmydive.com. This was my first attempt at building something that I hoped would become more than a project. It didn't, and I think it failed for a few simple reasons that I wanted to share here. 1) No audience interest I thought that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Rainbow Hat Guy transition"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1838,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2017\/12\/30\/2017-a-year-in-review-the-bad\/","url_meta":{"origin":150,"position":2},"title":"2017: A Year in Review - The Bad","date":"December 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I was honestly really pleasantly surprised by how many good things I could come up with for this year because it's honestly been a year dominated by the bad. I've learned this year that the people who I grew up around never wanted me to be in their lives in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":45,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2007\/02\/02\/encroachment-in-information-mining-technologies-part-iii\/","url_meta":{"origin":150,"position":3},"title":"Encroachment in Information Mining Technologies - Part III","date":"February 2, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"We must find a way to process the information that is constantly thrown at us. However, it is important to maintain the elements of our own information that don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need to be shared. Greater amounts of information for progress don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t excuse those using the information from taking our identity or\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Information Mining Essay"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":162,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2009\/09\/01\/the-best-thing-to-ever-happen-to-me\/","url_meta":{"origin":150,"position":4},"title":"The best thing to ever happen to me","date":"September 1, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Tonight's writing exercise is a special one dedicated to someone who is very important to me, and without whom I would not be who I am today If you knew me well when I was nine years old, then the answer would surprise you. In fact, you wouldn't believe me.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "just thinking out loud"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":537,"url":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/2012\/03\/05\/dependent-independence\/","url_meta":{"origin":150,"position":5},"title":"Dependent independence","date":"March 5, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"It's a very weird time in Amelia Rose's development right now, and it translates very well to where I feel I am as well professionally. Amelia refuses to sit still. The energizer bunny has nothing on her (plus his insides aren't on the outside either). However neither walking nor crawling\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Becoming a PM"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=150"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onvural.net\/melih\/thoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}