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Losing battles

In the last few months, I’ve found myself fighting very large battles, and more often than not losing them.

It’s tough; that’s really the only way to describe it.

I’ve discovered in this time that it takes an unbelievable amount of personal strength to decide to stand back up when you’ve had your legs kicked out from underneath you, but that it’s almost impossible if you don’t have a hand to help pull you up. It’s some combination of utter humility and sheer will which affords you the strength of the former without shame in the latter.

I don’t understand yet why it’s so difficult to allow someone to see you in your most fragile and vulnerable state, but there’s a real fear there. This is one hurdle over which I don’t find myself successfully climbing anytime soon.

I’ve discovered in this time that the reflection you see in the mirror has a tendency to lie to you. When all else fails, you should be able to rely upon your experiences and, knowing that you’ve survived tough times before, you should expect yourself to survive these tough times again. But you just don’t. I’ve found that it has much to do with the inability to fall back on habits which you always relied upon in trying times. When those habits can no longer provide the comfort or safety they once did, one’s habits become constant reminders of what was, what might have been, and what will no longer be.

This endless mind game turns what would have been a peaceful memory into a constant struggle to escape the very things which defined who you were.

I’ve discovered in this time that people will constantly find a way to disappoint you in an effort to not disappoint themselves. This is one of the real wonders of the social creature known as man. Inherently I will protect myself because to sacrifice for you is to compromise my identity; my persona; my existence. And yet, the whole point of coming together is to compromise the self for the benefits of the duality we become. To think there won’t be challenges and hardships is foolish, but to imagine that separation is a better state is plainly naive. Nonetheless, we continue to find ways to disappoint and to separate.

But at the core of it all, regardless of everything else, it’s just plain tough to keep losing.

Let it not be suggested however that this means that one should stop fighting.