A lot is constantly happening, and it comes to be overwhelming at times. I do a really bad job in those instants of stopping and just taking a breath.
Today was one of those days where I just needed to take a breath, and not let the world overwhelm me.
In my ideal world, people do things for the right reasons. They do it right the first time. One takes pride in one’s work. I spent a lot of time working through what I thought was a simple problem last night trying to help someone who I don’t think holds my same beliefs on effort and integrity. And it drove me absolutely insane.
I got pulled off of the cliff, but then dove right into another trap.
This time what got to me was the that it felt as if the theory of doing the right thing was more important to understand than actually doing the right thing. I didn’t do a good job of processing the lack of grounding. I know the value of understanding how to do it is important, but sometimes I just want to do, and see what happens. My problem here is that I’m the perpetrator of  the discussion, and the tangent. I do it to myself. And I need to stop, and just do.
It was all just driving me crazy, and so I stopped and took a breath, and exhaled. Friday night is a good night to get the chance to just hit the pause button on life.
So as for the wedding planning, I have officially finished the music for the wedding.
We’re getting a lovely guitarist for the ceremony. We’ve asked her to play “Somewhere over the Rainbow” as the song to which Micky walks down the aisle. I hope it’s a lively, and upbeat rendition. We really liked the version that was played as the final song on Glee this season. We’re still looking for a recessional, and it’s darn hard to find!
That’s a big weight off of my shoulder though. I was in real deep shit with myself about not doing all of this first of June. I just sometimes don’t get it. I think working on “getting it” is something that life just throws at you, and either you fail epicly, or you stand up to challenge and figure out. Score one for me getting everything together, and knocking it out. Not that I deserve a pat on the back, but I’m giving myself one.
The reception will be DJ-ed. The fellow who owns the company, who I hope is doing the work, sounds like a great guy. What is it about voice that we put so much trust in? Confidence. Asking the right questions. Having answers, and even having answers to questions you didn’t know that you were supposed to ask. Really impressive. Anyway, the big challenge for me was trying to blend Turkish, American and Folk.
You see, we’re getting married in a barn, and I thought introducing folks to good bluegrass would be really amazing. But then what’s the first? How do you do the parent dances? It just doesn’t work. I didn’t want to do the iPod thing, even though I joked about it. And then I wanted the Turkish folks to have something to dance to. And of course dancing to some top 40 hits we grew up with would be fun too. In the end, a DeeJay was the only option.
And so with that done, the next task is fitting into my suit. The goal… size 30″ waist. I’m currently a 34″ waist, and I have really 8 weeks to make the grade. First approach… juice cleanse.
Micky’s friend Heather did a juice cleanse a few months ago, and then again recently, and swears by it if done right. So Micky and I went out and bought a fancy juicer, and got to business. We’ve gone 4 days now of 4 juices, and one solid meal. The next three days will be 6 juices a day, with NO solid meal. When it’s all said and done… I hope I’ve lost 10 pounds, which is about 1 inch of waist size.
It’s been hard to down the vegetable juices, but the fruit juices are quite good. That said, we’re going to need a lot of help to get through the next three days in one piece. The vision of my James Bond suit is keeping me going.
Boncuk gives Melih a kiss before heading to the surgeon's office
This is Boncuk’s last picture. She was put to sleep today because of a large tumor in her brain. She came to me and left me in the exact same manner – Sleeping. In my lap. Without a worry in the world.
In early April, 1999, my dad and I went to the flea market looking for a puppy. The flea market in Raleigh used to house a section for dogs, rabbits ferrets, and whatever else one could own as a pet. We saw a family of Boxer puppies who were gorgeous. My dad wanted to be knowledgeable, and so we went to the local library to do some research. I found a book on dogs and started reading. He walked around a bit so fara s I know, and then asked me what I’d found out.
Nothing.
If you give me a book, then I’ll slam through it. If you take me, or at least the 15-year old me, to a library, then you’ve just dropped a coke addict in the Columbian Jungle. No research done – just knowledge consumption.
Given that failed task, we headed back to the flea market. On arrival, the Boxer pupies were gone. It was a good thing too because in the next stand over were two jack russell terrier puppies, 6-weeks old sleeping in a pen.
I picked up the girl, and fell in love. She fit in the palm of my hand. I couldn’t put her down, and five minutes later we were in the car, heading home, blasting Celine Dion with a sleeping Boncuk in my lap.
My mom named her Boncuk.
A boncuk is a pendent of protection found throughout Turkey with the main element of the design being a set of concentric circles forming an eye. Boncuk’s are also known as “evil eyes”, and protect against “nazar”, or evil intentions. Things like jealousy over a new car, resentment at a new house or animosity towards a new child.
Our Boncuk was so named because her whole body was white except for a single black dot on her lower back.
In life her bark protected us from whoever was at the front door, and in death only God knows what she saved us from.
11 years passes by in the blink of an eyelid, but there are always memories that stand out. When Boncuk was 12 weeks old, we went to Oriental, NC to check out where the Turkish contingency of the Special Olympics would be staying. My girlfriend at the time, Sarah, came with us. We were walking Boncuk on the beach when she stopped in the middle of nowhere and used the bathroom. We didn’t know what to do, and so we buried it in the sand and ran away as fast as possible. On that first beach trip, we couldn’t get Boncuk to come swimming with us, and she never changed her mind about water.
She did however love toys, or at least she loved tearing them apart. I think we all tried to teach her to play and not destroy. She never caught on. She did however love this one bear because it had a squeaker in it. He lasted longer than the others, but eventually found the same fate.
She went to many a soccer tournament, shopping on Fifth Avenue in New York City and spoke at least three different languages.
My french exchange student, Anthony Fachaux, who the ladies loved by the way, tried to teach her tricks. She never caught on.
When Boncuk was Boncuk she had two very distinctive traits
1) She was loud
2) She licked you to death
Garage door opens, and she’s already in the laundry room barking up a storm ready to remind you that she was the first one to realize that you were home.
Sit down on the couch and she jumps up and starts licking you until you pay attention to her. I always tried to remind her that I was supposed to be the boss, but… you guessed it, she never caught on.
I feel as if there isn’t a single major milestone, or memory, in my life where she wasn’t there. She’d announce any occasion that she could in a way that only Boncuk knew how. I even jokingly wished she would be the ring bearer at my wedding so that she wouldn’t miss that milestone.
It’s the strangest feeling to not have to look at the dinner table to make sure she’s not trying to steal any food.
It’s the strangest feeling to put away her leash and bowl because they won’t be used again.
It’s the strangest feeling to to know that I’ll never again be woken up by a lick to the face from Boncuk.
When I went to say goodbye, they brought her out on a towel and put her in my lap. In that instant, that single instant, I relived 11 years of my life and realized just how empty they would have been without her in them. I held her to the very end because I wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone.
And so she left me just as she found me – Sleeping. In my lap. Without a worry in the world.
Boncuk, if you’re out there, just know that I love you so much, and I miss you even more. Canim, fistikcim, good-bye.
There is now less than 100 days to go until the wedding.
It would be the understatement of the century to say that I’m not excited. I think that the best part is continuously finding more reasons why it just feels right. We’ve had so many moments in the last few weeks where I stop and realize just how lucky I am. It’s really fantastic…
In trying to dot the last I’s and cross the last T’s, we took a field trip to Asheville over the 4th of July weekend. We were in NC for my mom’s birthday. For her birthday, we built her cookbook a new website. Saturday after her birthday we headed to Charlotte to hang out with the Winslett family, and got some excellent barbeque.
I can’t ever get enough sweet tea when I come to North Carolina, and I pretty much had an IV attached to my arm with the sugary goodness flowing into my veins.
The Winsletts have a phenomenal home right outside downtown Charlotte, and it gave Micky insane home ownership envy. It’s kind of fascinating to see my friends buying their first homes. My gut still tells me that home ownership is overrated, but maybe I should talk to an accountant before I make that decision. I love the idea of having a yard though. It takes me back to being in elementary school, and having a tiny corner of our backyard. Crucial though is having enough space in the house that everyone can have their own space when it’s called for.
We got up Sunday, and headed to Asheville. Less than 100 days to go until the wedding, and we wanted to learn a bit more about the town in which we’re getting married. Invitations need to be printed, and sent, but we want to know where to convince people to go, stay, hang out and the like. We checked out the Biltmore Estate, which is AMAZING. We walked around town, and got to see all of the restaurants and bars in downtown. We finally ate at Tupello Honey Cafe, and we loved it. Photos to come still.
I don’t quite understand the need to maintain a friendship at the expense of one’s sanity. Don’t work at friendships. They either exist or they don’t. It’s a very black or white situation. Take them for what they are, and not what you want them to be. Having said that, I think I may be in the extreme minority with this opinion.
I’m not quite sure why that is.
Take for example the fact that Dudum and I went to the baseball game last night, and had 3 separate conversations composed of facial expressions, eye signals and fragments of sentences. And yet, there was no question in my mind that the two of us completely understood one another. It was phenomenal.
Or, as another example, how we have a group at work who make fun of each other with a real zest for finding a solid zinger. There’s no malice. There are few hurt feelings, and when feelings get hurt the right actions are taken. The hurt individual runs away to the library, while the hurting individual apologizes a few days later. It’s only possible though because there’s an appreciation for the opposite party and what they bring to the table, both good and bad. You have to respect someone to be able to laugh at who they are without meaning to hurt them, and simultaneously have them realize that your jest comes from a place of mutual respect.
So why is it then that people work so hard to maintain friendships that are fictional in entirety or belong to a different time in our lives? The friendship lacks connection, mutual respect or even basic decency. It’s a lot easier to just be honest.
The culprit here is twofold.
One, the past has an incredible hold on us. We feel as if our past owes us the decency of shaping our future. In no way does that take into account how in the present we may have changed who we are.
Two, interpersonal inertia. People build groups, and within the group come the dynamics of the best friend, the social butterfly, the one who makes us laugh, the drama queen/king, and so on. To be honest is to break this inertia. Because we owe the others the peace and calm of a steady state we are unable to push the rock down the mountain face lest we be deemed selfish or self-serving.
And so we torment ourselves, and convince ourselves that the truth is that somehow, someway this friendship will return to what it was even though we are now who we have become.
This week’s lesson: honesty in friendships is to lie.
Last Thursday, Tony Hsieh, the CEO of Zappos.com, spoke about the evolution behind the culture at Zappos at the Commonwealth Club in downtown San Francisco.
Some quick background on Zappos.com, and then I’ll dive right into my thoughts on the evening. There was a lot of uproar when Zappos sold themselves to Amazon over whether they wanted to sell or were forced to sell by their investors. It ultimately was published in an Inc. article that the executive team of Zappos was trying to maintain their culture, and found that the best way to do it was to sell Amazon who allowed them to maintain their raison d’être.
I thought the format was superb. Softball questions asked by the Wall Street Journal’s Jeffery Fowler. That isn’t meant as an insult as much as it allowed Tony Hsieh to just go with it, and speak. Fowler didn’t interfere, and the jabs he threw into the conversation were really witty and often very funny. I thought he did a great job personally.
The product margins are what allow Zappos to do overnight delivery, free return shipping and some of their other perks. Hsieh said it definitely wouldn’t work in electronics or at tourist traps
Work/Life balance isn’t an issue if you love what you do, are surrounded by your friends and work at a place where the things you do are just part of the greater culture
The only negative of the evening, in my opinion, came from Fowler’s insistence that good culture was analogous to perks. Hsieh kept going out of his way in saying that a ping pong table isn’t a culture, but the disconnect there led to some unnecessary back and forth about specifics of Zappos’ culture. It was the one part of the conversation where I felt that Fowler wasn’t listening, and Hsieh, who happens to be a very quiet, humble guy based on this appearance, didn’t assert.
The night’s big conclusion. Have a set of core values at the company, and if there are those who don’t buy into the company’s core values, then send them packing.
More comments to come on specific questions and answers, but all in all I would definitely say that if you have a chance to go hear Tony Hsieh speak, then take advantage of it.
So many thoughts on this beautiful game. Let’s talk about it, debate it, and discuss it. We won’t agree, but we can agree that this is truly the beautiful game.
Three games today:
Greece vs. South Korea
Argentina vs. Nigeria
England vs. USA
Watched all three on tape delay, and I haven’t logged into Facebook or Twitter to see what everyone is saying, but I think these games show that the first match is rarely a good one for most teams in the World Cup. Even with one month to prepare (or maybe a lifetime one could argue), the quality of team play wasn’t strong today outside of South Korea. I would say I’m most impressed by the Taeguk Warriors.
In opening match play for Group B, I thought that the Greeks just looked horrible. There was no organization, and they constantly kept coming to their left winger (who I’ve affectionately named Helmut Head for his hair cut), who was just awful. The South Koreans were extremely disciplined, and show off why they made it through qualifying for this World Cup undefeated. 0-2 was well deserved, and I think we’ll definitely see the South Koreans in the mix to advance out of the group stage (though an inspired Nigeria may make things difficult).
The second Group B game was a fascinatingly boring match between the Argentinians and Nigerians. In ’94, when the World Cup came to the US, I remember well the energy and excitement that the Super Eagles brought to the tournament. Ironically, both Argentina and Greece were in their group that year as they are again this year. This is a new and recharged version, and they really delighted me with their effort and passion, and I think they have an amazing goalkeeper. However, I think Argentina gets most of my attention from this match, which they took 1-0. While the drama around Argentina is focusing on the relationship between the world’s best player in Lionel Messi and the sport’s greatest player in Argentine Manager Maradona, I’m most interested in seeing how the three forward system plays out, and whether Argentina has enough of a defensive midfield to go deep into this tournament. They are definitely my favorites to get out of Group B, but I’m not convinced that they can go as deep as they should on paper. I hope they prove me wrong. All in all, today’s match hasn’t changed my mind as of yet.
The day’s third game was a really wide open match between the United States and England. The hype in the US was clearly somewhat dampened by the achilles injury which David Beckham suffered in April. ESPN was forced to focus on the 1950 US upset over England, which in my opinion didn’t really rile anyone into watching the match. The first goal came too quickly to really say it was deserved, and I thought it actually hurt England more than helped them. They weren’t forced into a rhythm, and seemed to be content simply disrupting the US’s game as opposed to establishing their own. The goal that Clint Dempsey scored was, in my opinion, an excellent example of why you shoot given the chance. Shoot, put it on frame, and only God knows what will happen. His double clutch move to get into space to take the shot was really excellent I thought.
I found two things to be really fascinating in this match. I was amazed at how poorly Bradley played. I would argue that he’s actually the best all-around soccer player that the US has. He really got dominated defensively by the combination of Lampard and Gerrard, and I felt as if he almost refused to establish himself in the offensive midfield. If the US has any chance of impressing in this tournament, then Bradley has to do much, much better.
The second interesting bit for me, was the notion of Rooney being an attacking central midfielder. I actually thought that The Three Lions were much more effective offensively when Rooney was working through the midfield as opposed to playing as a target forward. It’s almost as if the US defense would lose him if they had to mark him out of the midfield. Interesting experiment if it continues as the tournament moves forward.
Finally, one last thought. Could we please, please, please stop asking Landon Donovan to play defense? He’s an awful marker, and he generally has no idea where his position is supposed to be defensively. If Rooney were three inches taller, then all of the replays tonight would have been Ronney walking by Donovan and heading into a wide-open net to take the match 2-1 for England.
Micky and I trekked north to the Russian River region which is the northern tip of the North Bay. At least, I wouldn’t call too much past Guernesville the Bay Area. More than an hour out, and you’re really pushing it. Anyway, just as we were getting to our hotel, we got into a really big fight. We don’t fight often, but when we do, it really seems to blow up.
We fought over the wedding. Sometimes I’m convinced that there’s a prevailing opinion that the wedding is more important than the marriage. People invest a lot of time into weddings. Do they invest nearly as much into a marriage? I don’t think my parents did. Nor am I convinced that folks in general understand the concept of investing into a marriage. It just feels all out of whack.
We fought over whether I had booked a band or not. I have not. I have a back up plan. One of my dearest friends Trey told me about who they are using for their wedding. Sounded like a really solid back up plan in the event that I can’t find a live band to play. I’ll call them in about a month. But you see, the thing is that I want a live band. The tough bit is that they need to fit into the mold of the wedding. There ought to be a flavor of blue grass to them, and a flavor of popular music to dance to. A small part of me even wants them to be able to pick up some Turkish music for all of us to dance to. How hard could it be to play the old classics that my parents grew up with. The songs themselves aren’t difficult to enjoy… doesn’t that mean they should be easy to pick up?
I know Micky’s right that we can’t ask people to come from all over the world, and then give them a half-assed experience. I know we need to make sure everything is organized, planned and executed. But I also feel that if we spend the next four months investing in the wedding, that we’re throwing a lot of energy into a dead end. My vote is for investing in us.
I coined golf-and-hike weekends about two months ago as a way for Micky and I to leave the city, and to fill a weekend with things that both of us can do, and generally like to do. Micky has been slowly picking up golf, as have I; I’ve been slowly picking up hiking, and Micky is an avid outdoors-woman. This weekend was our first attempt at golf-and-hike, and in my opinion was time to invest in us. I honestly didn’t give a damn about the band.
I know that attitude was wrong. It’s not about throwing energy into a dead-end. It’s about making sure we come out on the other side knowing that we did right by our families, friends and ourselves. That we put on the show that everyone is coming for.
I also know that I hate making Micky cry. I hate it when she’s sad because of me, or mad because of me. I hate myself when she wants to jump out of a moving car because I hurt her feelings. I also hate when she plays a better round of golf than I do.
The nice thing is though, I don’t hate being wrong when it comes to Micky or when it comes to us. I don’t think I ever apologized to Giana or Ashley or Maria about something I did wrong. Makes a lot more sense why they’re gone when I stop and think about it. But Micky’s still here. I guess it’s because when she’s right I know to stop and admit as much.
Used to be my ego was more important, but nowadays it’s not losing the girl.
I guess we made a pretty big investment in us after all; now if I could just figure out my golf swing…
Why is it so difficult to hear when it’s so easy to listen?
Yes, it seems like a very technical question mired in definitions and understanding, but I’m increasingly discovering that one of the hardest skill to develop in oneself is the ability to hear what others say. You see, we’ve become experts at listening to each other. If listening were an Olympic sport, then my 5-second response technique* would be gold medal worthy. But we don’t learn how to hear each other.
The distinction between the two is all about what one brings to the conversation. Everyone brings their opinion, their goals, their desired outcome. When we listen to each other, we put what we have brought to the conversation right in the thick of it all. With all of our own baggage in the conversation, there’s no way that the other person’s opinions, goals or outcomes has any chance of making an impression upon us. However, when we bring our own baggage, but leave it off to the side, then we start to hear each other. We can more clearly see the value that the opposite party brings to the conversation, and I’ve found that it makes conversations shorter, sweeter and much more productive.
So the solution is simple then, right? We just check our baggage at the door, and come into all conversations with an open mind. It turns, as is always the case, that it’s not that easy. There are folks who refuse to have a conversation without bringing to the front and center all of the baggage which they brought with them. I don’t think they consciously refuse to be open-minded, but they do consciously refuse to be swayed or to really hear what the other side has to say. I haven’t quite figured out where the line is between being open-minded and refusing to hear what the other side is saying, but I do think that both can co-exist. As an example, I don’t blame an Orthodox Jew for differing with me on topics like the Middle East Peace Process, but I do fundamentally believe that he can respect and listen to my opinion. That said, he won’t do me the courtesy of leaving his foundation and standing on mine.
All of this is coming from being a fly on the wall while a lot of different things happen around me. I constantly find the need from individuals to have others see things as they do, and be as they would be. I can now catch myself doing it as I do it, whereas before I was completely oblivious to it all. For me the advantage of having a baggage free conversation is that we get to learn and teach. We get to really make each better because we’re forced to really understand the opposite party’s perspective. I think when we stop to hear each other, we come out of the conversation as better people.
Too bad we spend so much time listening then…
* 5-second response technique is the practice of giving a neutral answer every 5 or so seconds to seem as if one is engaged in the conversation. I perfected it in high school while listening to girlfriends speak. These days, my good friend Saar Conradi is the one who constantly catches me doing it. It’s sadly become second nature
Long title. I know. I just couldn’t find a better title. I’ve been thinking a lot about the dynamics of the last few soccer teams with which I’ve played. From full-time recreational teams to much more competitive teams, I’ve really started to notice a trend, and it’s really fascinating. I’m sure if I really thought about it, I would see similar trends at the Box as well, but I’ll leave that as an exercise for another day.
The really unique thing about soccer that isn’t true in basketball is the need for a general consensus on how the game should be played. I’m picking on basketball because both sports have a strong playground, pick-up culture. Watch a pick-up basketball game though, and you’ll generally see a few studs, and then a bunch of pretty good players. The studs dominate the action. For a full 11 on 11 soccer match, I’ve never really found the same dynamic though. It could be that I’ve just never been around stud pick-up soccer players, but more often than not with that many moving pieces on the field, there needs to be much more cohesion, and a much better general understanding of how the game is played.
And yet, I spent a full season this past fall and spring with a team that had a really tough time doing even the basics right. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why things were as bad as they were. There was some low hanging fruit. No subs for a bunch of games. A lack of general fitness. An ever changing set of players on the field. But really, I think, it comes down to the fact that we didn’t agree as a unit on what the basics of the game were.
So I started to think about what it takes to get everyone on the same page. I think first, and foremost, it’s a must that there be a strong leader who dictates direction. If there’s no single voice driving towards a common goal, then there really isn’t a chance for success. We had that strong voice, but I don’t think that there was a team-wide respect for that voice. I’m not sure how to resolve that issue. That’s much more of an interpersonal issue. At a company, the resolution to that problem is hire slow, fire fast. Not so sure what it is on a soccer team where you can only get 10 people to show up for a game.
Given a strong voice, what’s the next step. My summer soccer team provided some insights to that question. The next important step is a willingness to adapt one’s own style to one that fits in with achieving the team’s goal. I don’t think this comes naturally to people, nor do I think that this is very easy. I’m convinced that one can be doing exactly what they think is right for the team’s goal, but in fact they are actively working against it.
This is where I think listening and giving feedback are so critical. And I think both aspects of this final step are the hardest bits for people. We neither like giving direct feedback nor do we like receiving direct criticism. And yet, it’s the quickest way to get where we’re all trying to go. This weekend, I kept asking for the wingers to be more conservative on the weak side to help with defensive counter attacks, and yet we consistently didn’t have the weak side defender we needed. Was the thing to do to directly say, “Person A, you need to be more conservative in the attack”? Now that I think about it, the answer to that question is clearly yes. Not doing that meant that the whole team fell short of achieving its team goal.
I’m going to step up at the next match and make sure that I push others to push themselves to be better, but to also push me to be better. I’ll let you know how it goes.
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