Month: August 2009

In a general regard, I think that having pride in what one does is one of the more difficult achievements on my list. I think this mainly comes from the fact that many people work simply to support a lifestyle or to cater to a social norm of contributing or earning one’s place. It’s essentially throwing 40 hours over five days to enable the freedom of weekends and weeknights which “make up” for the time chained to the desk. Not really an ideal way to be in my own personal opinion.

For me however, I get an immense amount of pride in investing my time and energy into activities that I then show off to others as an example of my successes and achievements. Oftentimes it relates to work, but it also includes convincing a pretty girl to date me or finding an extra touch of speed on the soccer field. It could in fact be something as simple as figuring out how to work all of the appliances in a kitchen, but I really was focusing on external oriented factors here – specifically making my family and friends proud to be associated with me.

I think that the concept of respect amongst friends is an odd one, but it’s something I value very much amongst my friends. The odd part to me is that I can’t have a friendship without a degree of respect, but I think that there are those who only surround themselves with people who fear them or revere them, both of which are poor substitutes for respect. To be feared is, I would think, the preferred relationship a dictator, whether benevolent or not, wants with his citizens. It’s something that lasts until someone is willing to stand up and point out that the situation is a house of cards at best and a complete facade otherwise. Clearly someone is oftentimes many someones as the situation in Iran, Myanmar and elsewhere have demonstrated, but nonetheless dictatorships are often about boosting ego more than establishing true understanding and development of the parties involved.

What then about reverence? I can’t find a striking difference between this and fear except that it’s much quicker to disappear. It takes much less for reverence to replaced by indifference than for fear to be replaced by courage. That said, the insincerity of both seem to make this paradigm much more circular in nature than linear.

I personally find that being across the circle from both of these substitutes as allowed me to have what I would call true friends, and honest relationships. When I allowed myself to be revered, it often ended with a realization that things couldn’t be as they seemed because, as the adage goes, if it feels too good to be true, then it probably is.

The reason I want to focus on the external here is because I feel like if I set as a goal for myself working, innovating, creating at a standard at which my friends and family will be proud, then how could I not be proud of myself given the framework in which I build these relationships? It allows me to have an external barometer which is better calibrated than my own intuition as to whether I can hold my head up high and say that I have achieved. It’s truly a badge of honor to allow others to lead that charge for you.

In 5 years I want my brother to say that he’s proud that not only am I his brother, but that I’m a person who improves { “human interaction”, “communication”, “problem solving” } through a commitment to excellence. He won’t make it easy, but that’s what makes the journey to get there fun.

I’ve been working a lot on a career development plan (which in this case is over a 12-18 month range), and I’m really excited about both the opportunity that I’m being given to execute my vision as well as the mentoring that I’m receiving in refining both my development as well as my understanding of what I need to accomplish my end goals. Today, however, we took things in a slightly different direction. The question at hand…

What do I want to be in five years time?

Wow, excellent question. One to which the answer has changed a lot over the last few years.

Freshman year of college, my only goal was to be the name of my generation that everyone remembered. An Alexander the Great, Isaac Newton, Benjamin Franklin type. It turns out that one can’t plan to become a piece of history. One has to be the victor who writes history.

Then I think my answer to that question became innovative in nature. I wanted to re-define the way people do things. That’s quite the goal if you think about it. My parents still use Yahoo! for search, but 70% of the market now uses Google instead. Think further to put into perspective how hard it is to change people’s habits. Think racial, gender and economic fights for equality. I don’t want to dive too deeply into the specifics here as it’s still an idea that I’m exploring, but I fundamentally believe that innovation is core to what I want to be.

Today my answer was three part:

• Proud
• Respected
• A Leader

As my hour of writing is over, I’ll dive further into each as part of tomorrow night’s writing.

I wonder if we’re no more than just a sum of our darkest secrets. And, if as we release them into the wild, we cease to be bound by the restrictions of the space and constraints which surround us.

Is it not the fear that these secrets will be revealed which shame us into becoming who we are? Would we not find a peace and a general calm in the waters if these secrets did not keep us bound to a dream we never wanted to accomplish or a commitment we never wanted to oblige?

After one year away from home, the lesson which looms largest in my mind is that one will constantly lose, and one will constantly be disappointed, and that the survivors are the ones who can find the silver lining in leaving behind someone who you hoped would finish the journey with you. All I know is that I’m thankful that I’m the kind of person who has a difficult time abandoning people because I can’t imagine how artificial everything must be if you are the opposite.

All of this comes from trying to make sense of my fourteen months away. I’ve spent the last year in what seems like a constant state of loss. The enumeration, at this point, feels petty and would distract from the greater point. Each loss though has really put in focus the idea that when people leave that it’s usually… the right phrase escapes me. But it would involve an element of fear, an element of shame, and an element of quit. Is there a word that describes such a state? If I spoke German, I’m sure that I would find a way to just glue them all together, but language fails me in this moment. I think the drain on my energy and emotions is that I strive to invest 110% in people. You can’t give that much to anything and not bear the full weight of the result when the result goes against you. It’s a completely crushing, debilitating state of being. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.