I wonder if we’re no more than just a sum of our darkest secrets. And, if as we release them into the wild, we cease to be bound by the restrictions of the space and constraints which surround us.
Is it not the fear that these secrets will be revealed which shame us into becoming who we are? Would we not find a peace and a general calm in the waters if these secrets did not keep us bound to a dream we never wanted to accomplish or a commitment we never wanted to oblige?
After one year away from home, the lesson which looms largest in my mind is that one will constantly lose, and one will constantly be disappointed, and that the survivors are the ones who can find the silver lining in leaving behind someone who you hoped would finish the journey with you. All I know is that I’m thankful that I’m the kind of person who has a difficult time abandoning people because I can’t imagine how artificial everything must be if you are the opposite.
All of this comes from trying to make sense of my fourteen months away. I’ve spent the last year in what seems like a constant state of loss. The enumeration, at this point, feels petty and would distract from the greater point. Each loss though has really put in focus the idea that when people leave that it’s usually… the right phrase escapes me. But it would involve an element of fear, an element of shame, and an element of quit. Is there a word that describes such a state? If I spoke German, I’m sure that I would find a way to just glue them all together, but language fails me in this moment. I think the drain on my energy and emotions is that I strive to invest 110% in people. You can’t give that much to anything and not bear the full weight of the result when the result goes against you. It’s a completely crushing, debilitating state of being. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.